1 00:00:07,428 --> 00:00:09,472 -[footsteps thumping] -[insects chirping] 2 00:00:09,555 --> 00:00:12,183 [♪ playful folk rock music playing] 3 00:00:17,480 --> 00:00:19,148 ♪ Ooh... ♪ 4 00:00:19,232 --> 00:00:21,526 ♪ Woo-ooh-ooh! ♪ 5 00:00:22,777 --> 00:00:24,946 [pants] 6 00:00:27,365 --> 00:00:29,492 -[♪ music concludes] -[continues panting] 7 00:00:34,121 --> 00:00:36,123 [panting] Come on. Oh, come on. 8 00:00:36,207 --> 00:00:38,584 -[breathes deeply] -[dial tone ringing] 9 00:00:38,668 --> 00:00:40,753 -[cellphone rings, buzzes] -[inhales deeply] Hello? 10 00:00:40,836 --> 00:00:42,755 [pants] Stevie, it's... It's Malcolm. 11 00:00:42,838 --> 00:00:44,549 -[TV playing in background] -Malcolm! 12 00:00:44,882 --> 00:00:46,968 -Who? -[chuckles] Yeah, it's, uh, 13 00:00:47,051 --> 00:00:48,135 it's been a few months. 14 00:00:48,219 --> 00:00:50,221 Look, I was just thinking about you. 15 00:00:50,304 --> 00:00:53,307 I figured I'd give you a call. How's little Max? How's Glenn? 16 00:00:53,516 --> 00:00:54,517 Cute. 17 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:56,435 [inhales deeply] 18 00:00:56,519 --> 00:00:58,020 -Needy. -[Malcolm over phone] Great. 19 00:00:58,187 --> 00:01:00,356 Great. I... I love the pictures you sent. 20 00:01:00,439 --> 00:01:02,275 -Ah, you know, Max is-- -What's wrong? 21 00:01:02,358 --> 00:01:04,402 Everything! Mom and Dad and Leah and Tristan 22 00:01:04,485 --> 00:01:06,654 all found out at the same time, in person! 23 00:01:06,737 --> 00:01:08,906 You have to help me come up with a smart enough lie 24 00:01:08,990 --> 00:01:11,242 to cover up the years of lies I already told them! 25 00:01:11,325 --> 00:01:12,493 I mean, it's gotta be brilliant! 26 00:01:12,577 --> 00:01:14,120 I... [exhales deeply] 27 00:01:14,579 --> 00:01:16,539 ...told you... [breathes deeply] 28 00:01:16,622 --> 00:01:21,252 -...this... would... happen. -[horse nickering] 29 00:01:21,335 --> 00:01:23,754 You did. You did. What do I do now? 30 00:01:23,838 --> 00:01:26,299 -Do you mind? -[nickers] 31 00:01:26,382 --> 00:01:27,842 [Malcolm] Seriously, what do I do? 32 00:01:27,925 --> 00:01:28,926 Confess. 33 00:01:29,885 --> 00:01:31,512 Apologize. 34 00:01:32,430 --> 00:01:33,431 Make it right. 35 00:01:33,514 --> 00:01:35,308 Stevie, quit clowning around. They already know, 36 00:01:35,391 --> 00:01:37,184 there's nothing to confess. It's Mom. 37 00:01:37,268 --> 00:01:39,979 She sees apologies as permission to become more enraged. 38 00:01:40,062 --> 00:01:41,564 I've misled them for over a decade. 39 00:01:41,647 --> 00:01:43,941 -How do I make that right? -[nickers] 40 00:01:44,025 --> 00:01:46,360 Hey, Malcolm, can he call you back? [chuckles] 41 00:01:46,444 --> 00:01:47,653 It's his turn for story time 42 00:01:47,737 --> 00:01:50,406 and we need to finish before midnight. 43 00:01:50,865 --> 00:01:52,742 Okay. Thanks anyway. 44 00:01:53,659 --> 00:01:54,702 [Stevie] Sorry, man. 45 00:01:54,785 --> 00:01:55,786 -[horse nickers] -[grunts] 46 00:01:56,787 --> 00:01:58,831 You're in a wheelchair, and I'm needy? 47 00:01:59,248 --> 00:02:00,291 [sighs] 48 00:02:00,583 --> 00:02:01,667 {\an8}[♪ theme song playing] 49 00:02:01,792 --> 00:02:05,963 {\an8}♪ Life is unfair ♪ 50 00:02:07,506 --> 00:02:09,550 [sighs] It's just not fair! 51 00:02:09,634 --> 00:02:11,260 [Piama] Oh, my God, what happened? 52 00:02:11,344 --> 00:02:13,679 {\an8}What did I do? What did we do? 53 00:02:13,763 --> 00:02:16,724 {\an8}[grunts] We have just had the worst 24 hours of our life. 54 00:02:16,807 --> 00:02:17,892 {\an8}We just found out-- 55 00:02:18,017 --> 00:02:20,561 {\an8}Guess who's gonna be a grandma?! 56 00:02:20,936 --> 00:02:21,937 -[grunts] -Isn't it amazing? 57 00:02:22,021 --> 00:02:26,400 {\an8}We've been trying for so long. Years and years of constant sex 58 00:02:26,484 --> 00:02:28,361 {\an8}and all these weird mommy blog positions, 59 00:02:28,486 --> 00:02:29,487 {\an8}and it finally happened! 60 00:02:29,654 --> 00:02:31,614 {\an8}[pleading] Get your pee stick out of my face! 61 00:02:31,697 --> 00:02:32,990 {\an8}Seriously? 62 00:02:33,074 --> 00:02:34,992 {\an8}You can't even be happy for me about this? 63 00:02:35,660 --> 00:02:36,994 {\an8}[muttering] Why do I even try? 64 00:02:37,078 --> 00:02:40,665 {\an8}-Who's ready for re-caulking day? -[caulking gun whirs] 65 00:02:40,748 --> 00:02:42,208 {\an8}I put this on your credit card. 66 00:02:42,833 --> 00:02:44,210 {\an8}-What? -We just found out 67 00:02:44,293 --> 00:02:46,337 {\an8}that Malcolm has been intentionally hiding himself 68 00:02:46,420 --> 00:02:50,174 {\an8}from this family for years and covering it up with lies! 69 00:02:50,257 --> 00:02:52,093 {\an8}He has a teenage daughter! 70 00:02:52,635 --> 00:02:54,512 {\an8}A secret teenage daughter! 71 00:02:55,429 --> 00:02:57,515 {\an8}I still think my thing's pretty important. 72 00:02:59,016 --> 00:03:01,435 {\an8}Dad, I am so sorry. 73 00:03:02,103 --> 00:03:04,897 {\an8}I think we all knew Malcolm would eventually betray us. 74 00:03:05,022 --> 00:03:06,357 That's what Harvard does to people. 75 00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:07,483 [sighs] 76 00:03:07,566 --> 00:03:10,695 {\an8}-Or any college, really. -Oh. That reminds me. 77 00:03:11,445 --> 00:03:14,031 {\an8}-Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! -[♪ playful music playing] 78 00:03:14,407 --> 00:03:15,991 {\an8}What are you doing? 79 00:03:16,075 --> 00:03:17,993 {\an8}Dad is out there, emotionally destroyed. 80 00:03:18,077 --> 00:03:19,829 {\an8}I have to trash Malcolm as much as I can 81 00:03:19,912 --> 00:03:21,956 {\an8}-before he snaps out of it. -How stupid are you? 82 00:03:22,373 --> 00:03:23,874 You mean, like, professionally measured? 83 00:03:23,958 --> 00:03:25,918 {\an8}Just because Mom and Dad aren't on social media, 84 00:03:26,001 --> 00:03:27,712 {\an8}you thought nobody else would find it? 85 00:03:27,962 --> 00:03:31,424 {\an8}What? eBay? They already know I sell my underwear to pervs. 86 00:03:31,507 --> 00:03:33,718 What about Professor Dumb-Dumb? 87 00:03:33,843 --> 00:03:35,553 [♪ quirky instrumental music playing] 88 00:03:36,679 --> 00:03:38,806 -Shall we peruse "Greatest hits"? -[♪ music concludes] 89 00:03:38,931 --> 00:03:39,932 [keyboard clacking] 90 00:03:40,099 --> 00:03:43,436 {\an8}[♪ perky garage rock song, "Big Fat Woodpecker" playing over PC] 91 00:03:43,769 --> 00:03:45,354 -♪ Huh! Boom, boom, boom ♪ -Oh! 92 00:03:45,438 --> 00:03:46,981 -Come on! [grunts] -♪ Goes the big bass drum ♪ 93 00:03:47,064 --> 00:03:49,984 -♪ Boom, boom, and we gonna get some ♪ -God! [groans] 94 00:03:50,067 --> 00:03:52,903 -♪ Big, a-big, a-big bad bass ♪ -[sneezes loudly] 95 00:03:53,362 --> 00:03:55,614 -♪ Boom, boom, goes the big bass drum ♪ -[groans] 96 00:03:55,698 --> 00:04:00,286 These new ones aren't just more efficient, they are so much quieter. 97 00:04:00,411 --> 00:04:02,204 ♪ Wood-wood-peck peckity-peck-fat-check ♪ 98 00:04:02,329 --> 00:04:04,081 -♪ Peck-peck ♪ -[sniffs] What is-- Something... 99 00:04:04,206 --> 00:04:07,585 Oh! Oh! Oh! [shrieking] 100 00:04:07,668 --> 00:04:09,378 ♪ Jing-jangy a-cling-clang-bangy ♪ 101 00:04:09,503 --> 00:04:12,548 Reese, just unplug it! Just... 102 00:04:13,507 --> 00:04:16,218 unplug it! Reese! 103 00:04:16,343 --> 00:04:18,512 -♪ Boom, boom ♪ -[shrieks] Reese! 104 00:04:18,637 --> 00:04:20,431 ♪ Boom, boom ♪ 105 00:04:20,556 --> 00:04:21,932 [screams] 106 00:04:23,184 --> 00:04:24,769 -[♪ song concludes] -[keyboard clacking] 107 00:04:24,852 --> 00:04:27,313 Sixty-eight videos. Millions of views. 108 00:04:27,396 --> 00:04:30,107 How much money have you made publicly humiliating Dad? 109 00:04:30,232 --> 00:04:32,193 -Including merch? -Merch? 110 00:04:32,526 --> 00:04:34,904 -Are you gonna snitch? -Hell, yes, I'm gonna snitch. 111 00:04:35,112 --> 00:04:36,822 Okay. What do you want? 112 00:04:36,947 --> 00:04:38,866 -To snitch. -No. What do you want from me? 113 00:04:38,949 --> 00:04:41,994 -To be there when I snitch. -Kelly, you don't wanna do that. 114 00:04:42,077 --> 00:04:43,871 Dad is too upset. He couldn't take it. 115 00:04:43,996 --> 00:04:46,749 I know that! God, this is so frustrating. 116 00:04:46,832 --> 00:04:49,168 It felt so good ratting Malcolm out. 117 00:04:49,251 --> 00:04:51,796 It was like... [breathes deeply] ...I'd found my calling. 118 00:04:52,004 --> 00:04:53,130 I'm an informer. 119 00:04:53,798 --> 00:04:56,175 It's like being a whistleblower, but mean. 120 00:04:56,884 --> 00:04:59,345 And turning you in was going to be... [kisses] 121 00:05:00,554 --> 00:05:02,473 Now, I have to wait to spill my guts. 122 00:05:03,933 --> 00:05:05,184 But it's coming. 123 00:05:05,267 --> 00:05:07,937 [high-pitched moaning] 124 00:05:10,981 --> 00:05:12,024 What did you see? 125 00:05:12,858 --> 00:05:14,860 [sobbing] Everything. 126 00:05:14,944 --> 00:05:16,028 [grunts] 127 00:05:16,111 --> 00:05:17,696 [♪ quirky instrumental music playing] 128 00:05:17,780 --> 00:05:20,282 Oh. Oh, my God, what happened?! [gasps] 129 00:05:20,366 --> 00:05:22,535 He... he just fell down for no reason. 130 00:05:22,618 --> 00:05:23,702 Old people do that all the time. 131 00:05:23,786 --> 00:05:25,746 [Lois] Hal? Hal! 132 00:05:25,830 --> 00:05:27,998 [pants] Help me-- Help me get him into bed. 133 00:05:28,082 --> 00:05:30,334 -He won't... [straining] ...unwind! -Oh. 134 00:05:30,417 --> 00:05:32,545 Well, roll him! [breathes heavily] 135 00:05:32,628 --> 00:05:35,172 Oh. Careful, careful, careful. Oh, my G-- 136 00:05:35,297 --> 00:05:38,050 Oh... [hesitates] Okay. Watch-- Watch-- 137 00:05:38,133 --> 00:05:40,970 -[mumbles indistinctly] -Okay. Uh... What do we do? 138 00:05:41,053 --> 00:05:42,179 -We'll just roll him. -Okay. 139 00:05:42,304 --> 00:05:44,181 -Roll him. This way. -Use your legs, not your back. 140 00:05:49,019 --> 00:05:51,772 [♪ music concludes] 141 00:05:52,314 --> 00:05:54,650 -Hey. -How far did you run? 142 00:05:54,817 --> 00:05:56,443 Six miles past the interstate. 143 00:05:56,861 --> 00:05:58,612 I'm in much better shape than I thought. 144 00:05:59,405 --> 00:06:00,406 I met a horse. 145 00:06:01,490 --> 00:06:02,533 I named him Cookie. 146 00:06:03,742 --> 00:06:07,913 Dad, seriously? I can take Mom being crazy, 147 00:06:08,247 --> 00:06:10,040 but that's only because you're not. 148 00:06:10,124 --> 00:06:11,750 [sighs] I'm so sorry. 149 00:06:12,084 --> 00:06:14,712 I promise I'll never do anything like that again. 150 00:06:14,795 --> 00:06:18,132 And don't call your mom crazy. She just has a lot of problems. 151 00:06:19,091 --> 00:06:20,718 Primarily being crazy. 152 00:06:21,051 --> 00:06:24,138 [sighs] So, anything else you've been, hmm, I don't know, 153 00:06:24,221 --> 00:06:25,764 lying to me about since I was born? 154 00:06:25,848 --> 00:06:26,849 -[Malcolm] Leah. -No! 155 00:06:26,932 --> 00:06:28,601 My self-image is already screwed up. 156 00:06:28,809 --> 00:06:31,937 And now, I'm part of a family I know nothing about. 157 00:06:32,104 --> 00:06:34,648 I mean, are they murderers? Or geologists? 158 00:06:34,732 --> 00:06:36,984 Or have Tay-Sachs or Klinefelter syndrome? 159 00:06:37,067 --> 00:06:38,110 Or enjoy reading? 160 00:06:38,193 --> 00:06:39,570 Or have characteristic body language? 161 00:06:39,653 --> 00:06:41,614 Or they're athletic? Or super-tasters? 162 00:06:41,697 --> 00:06:43,866 I should know all of that. 163 00:06:44,450 --> 00:06:46,201 There's no geologists. 164 00:06:49,955 --> 00:06:51,498 I think Tristan is amazing. 165 00:06:51,832 --> 00:06:55,502 She is. Oh, my God, she must be so mad at me. 166 00:06:55,711 --> 00:06:57,087 Yeah, she told Grandma 167 00:06:57,212 --> 00:06:58,797 -and Grandpa that-- -[Malcolm gasps] 168 00:06:58,881 --> 00:07:00,591 I was not ready to hear you call them that. 169 00:07:01,091 --> 00:07:03,427 They really seemed okay. I-- I don't understand 170 00:07:03,510 --> 00:07:06,055 -why you can't be around them. -I think yesterday you saw 171 00:07:06,138 --> 00:07:07,765 a pretty convincing demonstration. 172 00:07:08,223 --> 00:07:09,600 I have hay in my crack. 173 00:07:09,683 --> 00:07:11,560 I cannot go back to how I was before, 174 00:07:11,685 --> 00:07:13,395 and I'm not gonna risk you. 175 00:07:13,938 --> 00:07:17,942 You are perfect. I want you to stay perfect. 176 00:07:19,318 --> 00:07:21,862 [sighs] Okay, that-- That's just fighting dirty. 177 00:07:22,071 --> 00:07:24,365 You have to think of it like they're the full moon 178 00:07:24,448 --> 00:07:26,825 -and we're werewolves. -It doesn't matter. 179 00:07:26,909 --> 00:07:29,203 Your cover is blown, and Grandma doesn't seem 180 00:07:29,286 --> 00:07:31,121 the type to just let things go. 181 00:07:31,205 --> 00:07:32,623 Look, I need time to figure this out. 182 00:07:32,706 --> 00:07:33,874 [hesitates] You need to promise me 183 00:07:33,958 --> 00:07:35,668 that if she contacts you, you will not respond 184 00:07:35,751 --> 00:07:37,378 until you talk to me first, okay? 185 00:07:37,503 --> 00:07:39,254 -Okay. -No, you need to promise. 186 00:07:39,380 --> 00:07:41,465 Calm down. I promise. 187 00:07:41,799 --> 00:07:43,801 Thank you. I need to get some sleep. 188 00:07:44,635 --> 00:07:45,844 I'm still mad at you. 189 00:07:45,970 --> 00:07:48,305 You'll still be mad when I wake up. I believe in you. 190 00:07:48,514 --> 00:07:50,641 [♪ gentle instrumental music playing] 191 00:07:50,724 --> 00:07:52,518 [snores softly] 192 00:07:52,977 --> 00:07:53,978 [sighs] 193 00:07:58,691 --> 00:07:59,817 [door closes softly] 194 00:08:11,620 --> 00:08:14,248 [softly] How could Malcolm abuse my trust this way? 195 00:08:15,124 --> 00:08:17,584 I'm so mad at him for betraying me. 196 00:08:18,919 --> 00:08:22,172 You know, by comparison, Reese looks pretty good. 197 00:08:22,923 --> 00:08:24,049 Sure, he's impetuous, 198 00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:26,802 but that rascal has a heart of gold. 199 00:08:27,428 --> 00:08:29,847 He's still my favorite. 200 00:08:30,639 --> 00:08:32,182 [♪ music concludes] 201 00:08:32,516 --> 00:08:33,642 [Francis] What's that? 202 00:08:34,059 --> 00:08:38,355 It's the 33rd of 40 love letters your father wrote me for our anniversary. 203 00:08:38,856 --> 00:08:40,524 Two pages each, front and back. 204 00:08:40,941 --> 00:08:42,901 -Not a single repeat. -[sighs] 205 00:08:42,985 --> 00:08:44,528 Listen, I have to talk to you. 206 00:08:46,155 --> 00:08:48,949 I was so excited to tell you about the baby. 207 00:08:49,616 --> 00:08:53,162 We tried so hard for so long, and when it finally happened, 208 00:08:53,245 --> 00:08:55,080 all I wanted to do was tell you. 209 00:08:55,873 --> 00:08:57,916 You didn't even say congratulations. 210 00:08:58,917 --> 00:08:59,918 You're right. 211 00:09:00,878 --> 00:09:03,297 I'm sorry. Congratulations. 212 00:09:04,673 --> 00:09:06,800 -Never said I was perfect. -Yes, you have. 213 00:09:06,884 --> 00:09:07,926 Well, I didn't mean it. 214 00:09:08,761 --> 00:09:09,887 Look. [scoffs] 215 00:09:10,387 --> 00:09:13,348 I will admit, there is a part of me, a part I do not like, 216 00:09:13,432 --> 00:09:16,226 that feels like you intentionally waited until this exact moment 217 00:09:16,310 --> 00:09:18,687 to get pregnant just to make it harder for me 218 00:09:18,771 --> 00:09:20,189 to deal with all these other problems. 219 00:09:20,272 --> 00:09:23,275 -That is crazy. -Honestly, your whole life 220 00:09:23,358 --> 00:09:25,235 has been like you purposely planned every moment, 221 00:09:25,319 --> 00:09:28,489 good or bad, to happen at the worst possible time. 222 00:09:28,572 --> 00:09:31,033 That's not fair. It's always totally random. 223 00:09:31,116 --> 00:09:33,952 I know I hurt your feelings. And I... I feel bad about it. 224 00:09:34,036 --> 00:09:36,872 And I promise I am gonna be happy about this very soon. 225 00:09:36,955 --> 00:09:40,125 I'm gonna be overjoyed. Just not right now. 226 00:09:40,959 --> 00:09:43,170 I have too many other priorities right now. 227 00:09:43,253 --> 00:09:44,838 You and the baby are number eight. 228 00:09:44,922 --> 00:09:50,719 That is so insult-- Wait. You have a list with numbers? 229 00:09:50,803 --> 00:09:51,845 Yes. 230 00:09:53,055 --> 00:09:54,890 How do you think I manage? 231 00:09:55,349 --> 00:09:56,934 I have to rank everything 232 00:09:57,434 --> 00:09:59,853 according to how bad and how soon. 233 00:10:00,354 --> 00:10:02,147 Anniversary party is number one. 234 00:10:02,648 --> 00:10:06,110 Number two is our brand new, already-born granddaughter. 235 00:10:06,193 --> 00:10:07,945 I mean, she has been thrown into this circus 236 00:10:08,028 --> 00:10:11,406 with no preparation. We have to make it as comfortable as we can for that child. 237 00:10:11,490 --> 00:10:13,325 Your father is a close number three. 238 00:10:13,408 --> 00:10:15,202 Leah has the edge 'cause she's younger, 239 00:10:15,285 --> 00:10:17,412 but he is in a complete meltdown. 240 00:10:17,704 --> 00:10:21,667 Number four is making Reese pay for what he did! 241 00:10:21,750 --> 00:10:24,837 Number five is figuring out a way to get Malcolm back into this family. 242 00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:28,215 Number six is making him pay for what he did! [breathes deeply] 243 00:10:28,298 --> 00:10:31,260 Number seven is trying to keep myself from draining 244 00:10:31,343 --> 00:10:33,554 our life savings to pay for this party! 245 00:10:34,429 --> 00:10:36,932 So, you are number eight. 246 00:10:37,558 --> 00:10:39,059 [♪ moody jazz music playing] 247 00:10:39,143 --> 00:10:41,478 When she puts it that way, I really can't argue with her. 248 00:10:41,562 --> 00:10:44,606 Are you kidding me? We're one slot above "try oat milk." 249 00:10:44,690 --> 00:10:45,732 I know. 250 00:10:45,816 --> 00:10:48,402 -[sighs] -Sucks to feel like you don't matter. 251 00:10:48,944 --> 00:10:51,280 I promise I'll never do that to our kid, 252 00:10:51,363 --> 00:10:53,282 as long as they don't piss me off too much. 253 00:10:54,575 --> 00:10:56,743 [clicks tongue] You are an incredibly smart, 254 00:10:56,827 --> 00:10:59,454 -sexy momma. -[chuckles softly] 255 00:11:00,706 --> 00:11:02,040 [groans softly] 256 00:11:05,419 --> 00:11:06,920 [gate whirring] 257 00:11:10,424 --> 00:11:13,302 -[dog barking in the distance] -[sighs] 258 00:11:14,428 --> 00:11:15,470 Do you care? 259 00:11:17,097 --> 00:11:18,265 I like the breeze. 260 00:11:22,019 --> 00:11:23,437 [birds chirping] 261 00:11:23,562 --> 00:11:25,314 -[indistinct chatter] -[Alison] Hey, Leah. 262 00:11:25,522 --> 00:11:27,232 -[♪ music fades] -Hi, Allison. 263 00:11:27,357 --> 00:11:30,152 -See you at pizza. -What pizza? 264 00:11:30,277 --> 00:11:34,072 Oh. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. Forget I said that. 265 00:11:34,198 --> 00:11:35,824 I don't know what you're talking about. 266 00:11:36,033 --> 00:11:39,703 Joanie's doing pizza after the social studies final. 267 00:11:41,663 --> 00:11:43,207 I thought everyone was invited. 268 00:11:45,334 --> 00:11:46,376 You really didn't. 269 00:11:46,752 --> 00:11:49,338 And why do you take such delight in humiliating 270 00:11:49,421 --> 00:11:51,673 someone who shouldn't even be on your radar? 271 00:11:52,758 --> 00:11:53,759 Wow. 272 00:11:54,968 --> 00:11:57,054 You really are cruel. 273 00:11:57,137 --> 00:11:59,056 [♪ moody jazz music playing] 274 00:12:00,390 --> 00:12:01,808 [birds chirping] 275 00:12:02,476 --> 00:12:03,602 Mm. 276 00:12:06,438 --> 00:12:07,606 Morning. 277 00:12:08,398 --> 00:12:09,816 Is it morning? 278 00:12:10,734 --> 00:12:13,946 Oh... [scoffs] Sweetie. 279 00:12:14,029 --> 00:12:15,113 -[clicks tongue] -[♪ music fades] 280 00:12:15,197 --> 00:12:18,492 Did you know that there's a South American slug... 281 00:12:19,409 --> 00:12:23,914 that after mating, the eggs are deposited in the father? 282 00:12:25,457 --> 00:12:27,918 And over the next three months, 283 00:12:28,710 --> 00:12:33,006 the children slowly eat their way out of their loving father 284 00:12:33,882 --> 00:12:35,676 until he's an empty husk 285 00:12:36,260 --> 00:12:38,220 that blows away in the wind. 286 00:12:38,762 --> 00:12:41,431 -I'm just waiting for the wind, Lois. -[sighs] 287 00:12:43,850 --> 00:12:47,229 You know, we... we could just... Let it go. 288 00:12:47,312 --> 00:12:49,773 -[scoffs softly] -For a little while. 289 00:12:56,655 --> 00:12:58,115 Mm, I'm sorry... 290 00:12:59,533 --> 00:13:00,742 Mr. Plumber. 291 00:13:01,660 --> 00:13:04,204 I don't have enough money to pay your... 292 00:13:05,163 --> 00:13:07,207 great big bill. 293 00:13:09,126 --> 00:13:12,713 There must be some way I can satisfy you. 294 00:13:13,547 --> 00:13:16,216 The office can put you on a payment plan. 295 00:13:19,511 --> 00:13:22,222 Did you just turn down sex? 296 00:13:23,265 --> 00:13:24,558 I guess I did. 297 00:13:24,683 --> 00:13:25,892 -Hal. -Oh. 298 00:13:26,476 --> 00:13:27,894 Hal, we... we... we don't 299 00:13:27,978 --> 00:13:29,354 -turn down sex. -I know. [sighs] 300 00:13:29,438 --> 00:13:30,939 We've done it in weddings and funerals 301 00:13:31,023 --> 00:13:33,608 and... and petting zoos. 302 00:13:33,775 --> 00:13:36,069 -[mutters indistinctly] -Hal, sex is our love language. 303 00:13:36,153 --> 00:13:38,155 I know, I know. I'm sorry, honey, 304 00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:39,531 -but... -[sighs] 305 00:13:40,032 --> 00:13:42,200 Can I at least give you a hug? 306 00:13:42,284 --> 00:13:44,202 [whimpers softly] 307 00:13:44,286 --> 00:13:45,829 Not physically. 308 00:13:49,166 --> 00:13:53,211 -[♪ moody jazz music playing] -[weeps, whimpers] 309 00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:55,047 Thank you. 310 00:13:55,380 --> 00:13:57,174 [Tristan over phone] Hey, it's Tristan. Let her rip. 311 00:13:57,257 --> 00:13:59,509 -[voicemail beeps] -Hey, Tristan. It's me again. 312 00:14:00,093 --> 00:14:02,971 Look, I realize that you haven't returned my calls the last couple days 313 00:14:03,055 --> 00:14:05,098 because my messages were apologies 314 00:14:05,182 --> 00:14:07,017 without an explanation... [chuckles nervously] 315 00:14:07,100 --> 00:14:10,354 ...which I also apologize for. So, here it is. 316 00:14:10,896 --> 00:14:12,856 [clicks tongue] I've been seeing a therapist 317 00:14:12,939 --> 00:14:16,026 the last month or so. She put me on this antidepressant, 318 00:14:16,193 --> 00:14:17,652 Venallpramine. 319 00:14:17,736 --> 00:14:20,906 Um, I didn't realize the side effects that it caused on my... 320 00:14:20,989 --> 00:14:24,451 [inhales] ...moods, behaviors, and decision-making. 321 00:14:24,534 --> 00:14:26,578 But I am not gonna use a medication 322 00:14:26,661 --> 00:14:29,247 that altered everything about me as an excuse. 323 00:14:29,331 --> 00:14:31,708 [chuckles awkwardly] No. And, uh, I'm not gonna bring 324 00:14:31,792 --> 00:14:33,168 Leah into this either, okay? 325 00:14:33,251 --> 00:14:36,004 Even though she already feels so connected to you, 326 00:14:36,296 --> 00:14:38,173 she knows that not seeing you again 327 00:14:38,256 --> 00:14:40,926 isn't anything like when her mother abandoned her. 328 00:14:41,009 --> 00:14:43,970 But please do not do this to her. She's just a kid. 329 00:14:44,805 --> 00:14:46,848 -[cellphone beeps] -[sighs] 330 00:14:46,932 --> 00:14:49,267 I'll be ashamed of myself after I get her back. 331 00:14:49,351 --> 00:14:51,019 [♪ quirky instrumental music playing] 332 00:14:51,103 --> 00:14:53,397 We are just so glad you called, Leah. 333 00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:56,316 Dad insisted I get to know the family right away. 334 00:14:56,983 --> 00:14:59,945 If Dad can keep secrets, I can break promises. 335 00:15:00,070 --> 00:15:01,488 This is Francis and Piama. 336 00:15:01,571 --> 00:15:04,282 -Kelly, Jamie, and Dewey. -[♪ music concludes] 337 00:15:05,033 --> 00:15:06,910 -[system chimes] -And this is your uncle Reese, 338 00:15:06,993 --> 00:15:10,414 who is going to explain himself and apologize to me this very second. 339 00:15:10,539 --> 00:15:13,834 Word of warning. They get mad about anything around here. 340 00:15:13,917 --> 00:15:16,002 -[keyboard clacks] -[Lois chuckles nervously] 341 00:15:16,086 --> 00:15:18,380 Well, we are just so excited about all of this. 342 00:15:18,630 --> 00:15:20,257 We've just missed so much. 343 00:15:20,424 --> 00:15:22,968 We have a 1,000 questions we'd like to ask you. 344 00:15:27,597 --> 00:15:28,640 -Hal... -Hmm? 345 00:15:28,723 --> 00:15:30,892 D-- Don't you have a question that you'd like to ask Leah? 346 00:15:30,976 --> 00:15:32,811 Uh... [stammers] Yeah, uh... 347 00:15:33,353 --> 00:15:35,605 Uh, what... what do you wanna do when you grow up? 348 00:15:36,314 --> 00:15:39,776 [feebly] Crush your father's soul and make him question his own identity? 349 00:15:40,152 --> 00:15:41,194 Huh? 350 00:15:41,278 --> 00:15:42,696 [chuckles awkwardly] Excuse us a minute. 351 00:15:42,863 --> 00:15:43,905 [keyboard clacks] 352 00:15:43,989 --> 00:15:45,574 Welcome to the family, Leah. 353 00:15:45,657 --> 00:15:47,909 Gosh, I wish I was able to be there to welcome you properly. 354 00:15:47,993 --> 00:15:50,162 [Gigi in French] Mon chéri, viens me rejoindre 355 00:15:50,328 --> 00:15:51,455 dans mon petit bain très chaud. 356 00:15:56,918 --> 00:16:00,130 [Gigi] Parce que je serais très glissante. 357 00:16:00,213 --> 00:16:02,007 [faucet running] 358 00:16:02,090 --> 00:16:03,633 [in English] Sorry, they're, um... 359 00:16:03,717 --> 00:16:05,469 [clicks tongue] ...evacuating the hotel. 360 00:16:06,261 --> 00:16:07,721 -Europe, right? -[keyboard clacks] 361 00:16:07,804 --> 00:16:09,306 -[scoffs] -Yeah, hey, I gotta go too. 362 00:16:09,389 --> 00:16:10,432 I gotta sneak in a cigarette 363 00:16:10,515 --> 00:16:13,435 while the lieutenant's still taking a dump. Don't tell Mom I smoke. 364 00:16:13,602 --> 00:16:15,729 -[system chimes] -[chuckles awkwardly] 365 00:16:15,812 --> 00:16:17,731 Is it me? [chuckles] Because this feels like 366 00:16:17,814 --> 00:16:19,900 when they make us choose lab partners. 367 00:16:19,983 --> 00:16:23,403 No friends, huh? Yeah, you give off that vibe. 368 00:16:23,487 --> 00:16:26,781 Kids can be mean. Parents too. [grunts] 369 00:16:27,199 --> 00:16:29,075 So, the social thing is tough, huh? 370 00:16:29,409 --> 00:16:31,036 [breathes sharply] No, it's great. 371 00:16:31,119 --> 00:16:34,206 I'm... I'm on the waiting list to move up from outcast to pariah. 372 00:16:36,041 --> 00:16:38,668 It really is fine. I mean, I'm... I'm used to it. 373 00:16:38,752 --> 00:16:41,338 Because, like, what choice do I have? [chuckles] 374 00:16:41,421 --> 00:16:43,089 I mean, there's way worse problems, right? 375 00:16:45,217 --> 00:16:46,218 [system chimes] 376 00:16:47,177 --> 00:16:50,847 Leah. Have you ever tried being kind? 377 00:16:51,973 --> 00:16:54,476 -Probably not. -I am nice all the time, 378 00:16:54,559 --> 00:16:56,520 and I get treated like crap anyway. 379 00:16:56,603 --> 00:17:01,024 Nice is different than kind. Kindness requires empathy, 380 00:17:01,107 --> 00:17:03,443 and empathy requires putting yourself 381 00:17:03,527 --> 00:17:06,696 in someone else's place so you understand how they feel. 382 00:17:07,697 --> 00:17:09,157 Do you remember ever doing that? 383 00:17:09,407 --> 00:17:10,492 [scoffs] 384 00:17:10,867 --> 00:17:12,244 [chuckles] Right! 385 00:17:12,327 --> 00:17:14,371 That's a tough one for your dad too. 386 00:17:14,454 --> 00:17:16,498 You guys have brains that are so different 387 00:17:16,581 --> 00:17:19,042 from other people's, it's impossible to feel like 388 00:17:19,125 --> 00:17:20,377 you have anything in common with them. 389 00:17:20,460 --> 00:17:22,212 So, what am I supposed to do? 390 00:17:22,295 --> 00:17:25,757 Just make an arbitrary rule. If you're not getting along with someone, 391 00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:29,678 imagine you have empathy for them and act accordingly. 392 00:17:29,970 --> 00:17:33,056 Like how I imagine I'm not always on the brink of violence. 393 00:17:33,139 --> 00:17:35,559 -Try it. See what happens. -[Leah sighs] 394 00:17:36,476 --> 00:17:38,979 -Something you wanna add? -[breathes deeply] 395 00:17:39,729 --> 00:17:42,732 I bet if I crashed the car, I'd move up two spaces. 396 00:17:42,816 --> 00:17:45,277 [♪ moody jazz music playing] 397 00:17:45,986 --> 00:17:47,279 -[keyboard clacks] -[system chimes] 398 00:17:47,404 --> 00:17:51,575 Oh, honey, Leah needs her warm and loving grandpa. 399 00:17:51,700 --> 00:17:53,743 I'm... [breathes deeply] ...so sorry, Lois, 400 00:17:53,868 --> 00:17:54,953 but I don't think I can. 401 00:17:55,078 --> 00:17:57,581 -[♪ gentle music playing] -I look at her... [inhales] 402 00:17:57,664 --> 00:17:59,374 ...and instead of a sweet kid, 403 00:17:59,457 --> 00:18:02,627 I just see one more person who will hurt me. 404 00:18:02,711 --> 00:18:03,920 [knocking on door] 405 00:18:05,505 --> 00:18:06,631 [sighs] 406 00:18:07,007 --> 00:18:09,259 [♪ playful jazz music playing] 407 00:18:09,384 --> 00:18:10,427 Ten-hut! 408 00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:14,431 Lois! Your orders are to stay just as sweet, loving, and beautiful 409 00:18:14,514 --> 00:18:17,017 as the day Hal first laid his loving eyes on you! 410 00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:20,562 Open fire! 411 00:18:21,563 --> 00:18:22,564 [explosion] 412 00:18:23,231 --> 00:18:27,193 -[sighs, groans softly] -[song concludes] 413 00:18:27,777 --> 00:18:29,696 -[Sergeant screaming] Reload! -[guns cock] 414 00:18:29,779 --> 00:18:32,115 -[indistinct chatter] -[school bell ringing] 415 00:18:32,198 --> 00:18:33,742 [sneezes] 416 00:18:33,825 --> 00:18:36,077 Ah! [chuckles] I must be allergic to something. 417 00:18:36,161 --> 00:18:37,787 [all snigger] 418 00:18:37,871 --> 00:18:40,081 [♪ quirky instrumental music playing] 419 00:18:44,502 --> 00:18:47,172 She fake sneezed a booger onto her chin. 420 00:18:48,089 --> 00:18:50,467 There's a giant chunk of snot on her chin. 421 00:18:51,635 --> 00:18:53,845 There's a million ways that I could nail her. 422 00:18:53,928 --> 00:18:56,056 Do I go funny? Do I go brutal? 423 00:18:56,139 --> 00:18:57,682 Do I connect it to her character flaws, 424 00:18:57,766 --> 00:18:59,809 so it stings with some staying power? 425 00:18:59,893 --> 00:19:01,728 [chuckles] My mind is reeling. 426 00:19:01,811 --> 00:19:03,229 -[gasps] -[♪ music concludes] 427 00:19:06,274 --> 00:19:08,568 Uh, hey, you have a thing on your chin. 428 00:19:08,652 --> 00:19:10,028 It happens to me all the time. 429 00:19:10,904 --> 00:19:12,656 [gasps] 430 00:19:16,534 --> 00:19:19,496 Wait, wait, wait. I saw what you did back there, 431 00:19:19,579 --> 00:19:21,748 that giant Jabba the Hutt on her face. Oh, my God. 432 00:19:21,831 --> 00:19:23,958 -I... I was just-- -Oh, I hate Allison. 433 00:19:24,042 --> 00:19:26,503 I had the perfect idea. [sniffles] I was gonna go, 434 00:19:26,586 --> 00:19:29,214 "Would you care for some crackers with that oyster?" 435 00:19:29,297 --> 00:19:30,799 -And... -[chuckles softly] 436 00:19:30,882 --> 00:19:34,803 ...then seeing what you did, I mean, I feel kind of sorry. 437 00:19:35,178 --> 00:19:36,638 That was, like, noble. 438 00:19:37,138 --> 00:19:38,807 [chuckles] I'm not noble. 439 00:19:38,890 --> 00:19:42,686 -Well, something. Leah, right? -Yes, Jason. 440 00:19:42,977 --> 00:19:45,689 I sit next to you in English. And World History. 441 00:19:45,772 --> 00:19:48,525 Oh. Right? I'm dumb. 442 00:19:50,402 --> 00:19:54,447 Was this a meet-cute? This was a meet-cute, right? 443 00:19:55,448 --> 00:19:56,783 [♪ music fades] 444 00:19:57,409 --> 00:19:59,244 [sighs] Tristan's on her way over. 445 00:19:59,327 --> 00:20:01,663 I'm gonna take responsibility and acknowledge the impact 446 00:20:01,746 --> 00:20:02,956 that my actions had on her. 447 00:20:03,206 --> 00:20:05,834 Or I'm gonna justify it. And I'm gonna frame things 448 00:20:05,917 --> 00:20:07,961 in a way that she thinks that it's partially her fault. 449 00:20:08,086 --> 00:20:09,879 -Which one's gaslighting? -[knocking on door] 450 00:20:09,963 --> 00:20:11,506 [gasps, pants] 451 00:20:13,425 --> 00:20:14,718 -Hi. -[Malcolm] Hey. 452 00:20:15,260 --> 00:20:16,886 Thank you so much for talking to me. 453 00:20:17,554 --> 00:20:19,222 I know how upset you are. 454 00:20:19,305 --> 00:20:21,141 I know how bad I screwed up and I... 455 00:20:22,934 --> 00:20:25,186 I don't need to talk. I need to listen. 456 00:20:26,104 --> 00:20:27,188 Go ahead. 457 00:20:29,315 --> 00:20:30,483 I love your kid. 458 00:20:32,944 --> 00:20:34,571 That's all I have for positives. 459 00:20:35,238 --> 00:20:37,782 -Good start. -You totally sandbagged me. 460 00:20:37,991 --> 00:20:41,077 Anytime I asked you about your family, you said it was complicated. 461 00:20:41,161 --> 00:20:43,413 What I saw was not complicated. 462 00:20:43,496 --> 00:20:44,581 It was just wrong. 463 00:20:44,706 --> 00:20:46,833 Yes, but I have a solution for that. 464 00:20:46,916 --> 00:20:49,544 All those angry, vicious things I screamed at 'em? 465 00:20:49,627 --> 00:20:50,795 Imagine I didn't. 466 00:20:51,546 --> 00:20:54,340 You have to make peace with your family, okay? 467 00:20:54,424 --> 00:20:56,634 For your own sake and sure as hell for Leah's sake. 468 00:20:57,093 --> 00:21:01,055 You don't understand. I can't. It's not just Mom and Dad. 469 00:21:01,139 --> 00:21:03,308 It's so much worse with my brothers. 470 00:21:03,391 --> 00:21:06,936 I mean, all we ever do is fight, except for when we team up to fight them. 471 00:21:08,062 --> 00:21:10,482 You... have brothers? 472 00:21:15,153 --> 00:21:17,530 Four. And one non-binary. 473 00:21:17,614 --> 00:21:20,074 Dude. Come-- [breathes sharply] 474 00:21:20,158 --> 00:21:22,619 -This is so much to unpack. -Don't unpack. Just burn. 475 00:21:22,702 --> 00:21:24,204 -We don't need to know-- -No-- I should go. 476 00:21:24,287 --> 00:21:25,997 No. I... [sighs] 477 00:21:26,122 --> 00:21:27,874 [faltering] 478 00:21:30,293 --> 00:21:32,212 I... I help the poor! [voice echoes] 479 00:21:33,129 --> 00:21:36,049 -What? -I care so much about social justice. 480 00:21:36,424 --> 00:21:38,593 -Malcolm, what are you-- -I'm not bad. I'm good. 481 00:21:38,676 --> 00:21:40,720 I-- I'm not bad. I'm really good, 482 00:21:40,887 --> 00:21:43,681 and... and I'm smart, which I remember that you don't care about, 483 00:21:43,765 --> 00:21:46,476 because I listen, and I know how to tie shoelaces away, 484 00:21:46,559 --> 00:21:48,853 so they never come untied, and I love you! 485 00:21:48,937 --> 00:21:50,063 Oh, I should have led with that, 486 00:21:50,146 --> 00:21:51,606 but I'm panicking. I'll start over. 487 00:21:51,689 --> 00:21:53,149 I can't be around you right now. 488 00:21:53,983 --> 00:21:55,026 I understand. 489 00:21:55,318 --> 00:21:57,987 I'll... I'll be here whenever you're ready. 490 00:21:59,989 --> 00:22:02,200 That won't be until I can trust you again. 491 00:22:04,369 --> 00:22:05,370 If ever. 492 00:22:09,123 --> 00:22:11,084 [♪ moody jazz music playing] 493 00:22:12,502 --> 00:22:16,714 All night long. We should have called the cops. 494 00:22:16,798 --> 00:22:18,508 I didn't get any sleep at all. [sighs] 495 00:22:18,591 --> 00:22:20,677 Dad's always been a loud crier. 496 00:22:20,927 --> 00:22:24,055 Guys, what are you doing still in your PJs? 497 00:22:24,138 --> 00:22:25,890 -[♪ music fades] -Party's in 32 hours. 498 00:22:25,974 --> 00:22:27,058 We still have a lot to do. 499 00:22:27,141 --> 00:22:29,143 According to your twenty-bullet-point schedule 500 00:22:29,227 --> 00:22:32,856 for today, I've more than enough time to finish my store brand cereal. 501 00:22:32,939 --> 00:22:35,358 That was before I realized that my dress only looks right 502 00:22:35,441 --> 00:22:36,442 with open-toe shoes. 503 00:22:36,526 --> 00:22:38,695 I had to add an emergency pedicure. 504 00:22:38,862 --> 00:22:41,364 My toes look like twisted walnuts. 505 00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:43,324 Solved that one. 506 00:22:43,491 --> 00:22:47,287 -Is Dad finally asleep? -No. He got up over an hour ago 507 00:22:47,370 --> 00:22:50,832 to help run errands. Come on, you guys. Let's go. 508 00:22:50,915 --> 00:22:52,250 Get the lead out. 509 00:22:53,459 --> 00:22:56,546 -[indistinct chatter] -Huh? See? Completely normal. 510 00:22:56,629 --> 00:22:58,756 -Don't be nervous. -I'm not nervous. 511 00:22:58,840 --> 00:22:59,883 -I'm desperate! -Oh. 512 00:23:00,008 --> 00:23:02,760 I only have one day to shake off all this depression and anger 513 00:23:02,844 --> 00:23:04,470 so I don't ruin the party for Lois. 514 00:23:04,554 --> 00:23:05,680 Well, this will help. 515 00:23:05,763 --> 00:23:08,182 Microdosing is the best thing I ever did. 516 00:23:08,266 --> 00:23:10,602 It's how I lost all that weight and got a handle 517 00:23:10,685 --> 00:23:13,938 on my gambling addiction. I replaced it with porn. 518 00:23:14,898 --> 00:23:18,234 -Greetings, voyagers. Namaste. -[Abe sighs] 519 00:23:18,318 --> 00:23:19,485 -Namaste. -Richie? 520 00:23:19,569 --> 00:23:21,279 [♪ new age music plays faintly over speakers] 521 00:23:21,362 --> 00:23:25,325 Hal! Great to see you! How's Francis? How's the family? 522 00:23:25,408 --> 00:23:26,993 I don't care! I need help. 523 00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:29,662 Worry not. I have many weeks' experience 524 00:23:29,746 --> 00:23:33,333 as a hallucinogenic scientist, shaman, concierge. 525 00:23:33,917 --> 00:23:35,835 We see your pain, truth seeker. 526 00:23:36,711 --> 00:23:38,755 And we have incredible shit to deal with it. 527 00:23:38,838 --> 00:23:40,548 Let me give you a tour of our Tripitorium. 528 00:23:40,632 --> 00:23:43,384 -I... I don't need a tour. -Indulge me. 529 00:23:44,052 --> 00:23:46,262 -[Hal mutters indistinctly] -Hal. Please, please. 530 00:23:46,971 --> 00:23:48,389 [Hal sighs] 531 00:23:48,473 --> 00:23:51,142 Couch, cot, water, bathroom. 532 00:23:51,559 --> 00:23:53,937 We recommend starting in our central chair. 533 00:23:54,020 --> 00:23:55,980 Some people call it a dream platform. 534 00:23:56,064 --> 00:23:58,775 Others, a launch pad to enlightenment. 535 00:23:59,108 --> 00:24:01,945 Either way, there's a puke bucket next to it. 536 00:24:02,028 --> 00:24:04,405 Oh, uh, we already paid. I used my coupon. 537 00:24:04,489 --> 00:24:06,282 Don't forget, that doesn't include tip. 538 00:24:06,366 --> 00:24:08,368 -Right. -[Richie sighs] 539 00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:12,872 This... is the "medicine." 540 00:24:13,122 --> 00:24:14,624 Air quotes are for the lawyers. 541 00:24:15,124 --> 00:24:18,836 Since you're new to this, we'll start you out with 1.5-- 542 00:24:18,962 --> 00:24:20,588 -[breathes deeply] -[Hal] Mm. 543 00:24:20,672 --> 00:24:22,340 -[shouts] Where'd they go? -[gulps] 544 00:24:22,423 --> 00:24:25,093 -He swallowed them. -All of them? 545 00:24:25,176 --> 00:24:28,221 I have to divvy them out. You ate 60 milligrams. 546 00:24:28,304 --> 00:24:30,848 -Is that too much? -Well, not if you're like... 547 00:24:32,058 --> 00:24:33,851 -15 elephants. -[Abe] Okay. 548 00:24:33,935 --> 00:24:35,311 We gotta get your stomach pumped. 549 00:24:35,395 --> 00:24:36,396 No! 550 00:24:37,146 --> 00:24:40,191 It's the only chance I have left. I'm going in. 551 00:24:46,614 --> 00:24:47,865 Gonna need a bigger bucket. 552 00:24:47,949 --> 00:24:50,660 [upbeat psychedelic rock song plays, "Grow Wings and Fly"] 553 00:24:50,743 --> 00:24:52,370 ♪ Yeah-hey! Ow! ♪ 554 00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:12,348 [♪ song concludes]